I would eat a grenade for you baby, but book clubs are for suckers.

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Written by Mark Douglas
Directed by Tom Small

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The Key of Awesome
P.O. Box 30921 New York, NY 10011



We just met, but I know you’re my soul mate
I’ve got your name tattooed on my chest, neck, and face

Lets get hitched right away or at least pick a date
I’ve got next week open. When do you have open?

I sent you my left ear
But you tossed it off the pier
Then said something I couldn’t hear


Gave you all my string and my fingernail clippings
I hope I don’t sound deranged, but I’d

Chop off my head for you
I just went off my meds for you
I’d drink a bottle of crazy glue
And lick a bathroom attendents shoe

Oh that’s good shoe

I would peel you a million grapes
And make a portrait using audiotapes
Yes I’ll protect you from robots
And futuristic apes

Oh Get your damn stinking paws off my girlfriend you dirty ape from the future


Calm down you crazy clown what is wrong with you
Stop offering things that you’ll never have to do
Just take your pills, pay your bills I don’t want you dead Why
would I want a boyfriend who doesn’t have a head?


I’d eat a pile of glass
Pull my heart out through my ass


You know what you could do for me?


What baby


The dishes and the trash
Lets take that Tango class
Then watch Lifetime TV


I’ll shop at Target with you
Buy you tickets to Dave Matthews
I’d go to brunch with your book club friends
I’ll tell you that you’re not fat again
It nightmare ever ends
I would rather eat 50 grenades
Wear a speedo made of razor blades
Then have to deal with you baby
And your stupid mom